Chains of Love

You Could Already Be a Winner

So, the latest food-based reality show will center on personal chefs. All well and good but I’m still stuck on the tentatively named United Plates of America, a reality show competition focused on chain restaurant concepts.

Sadly, the window of opportunity for the chain I dreamt up in the late ‘90s: Totally Grubbin’ has long passed (a glass half-full blogger would call themselves a pioneer for having 11-year-old posts to refer to; I would use a different word to describe writing barely read nonsense online for over a decade). Now that it’s almost the 2010s I can't imagine there is a swath of America left that would be interested in anything tribal and Xtreme. For the modern consumer I might suggest an Ed Hardy theme restaurant.

Here are a few other concepts ripe for going national.

F.I.Y: fry-it-yourself fun where all tables are equipped with a built-in fryolator Korean barbecue-style. The restaurant provides the raw material and you simply batter and dip away. Does it get any fresher? There will be vegetable tempura for the dainty, fried chicken for the a la minute set, butter balls and Oreos for carnies and 10-patty cheeseburgers for the This is Why You're Fat crowd. Perhaps there will be a menu of batters to choose from. Ranch dip would most certainly be involved.

We must not let the Asians have all the fun. Sure, they’ve already taken the prison and hospital themes, not to mention a mayonnaise restaurant. And you thought eating from a toilet bowl was depraved? Please. Mixologists cover your ears, our bar will be called Douchebag, and yes, all drinks will be served in one. Who cares if the insult has been declared over or that just as with belted sanitary napkins, no one actually knows what a douchebag is anymore. Enemas? Now, that’s a concept for only a select few. I used to know people who would do wine enemas in public restrooms. The idea was to get drunker faster. I am sure there is a target audience for this somewhere in the US and I would love to be the one to introduce the idea on network television.

Gulp! If Rolling Stone can brand dining so can Yelp! and with a $500 million Google deal anything’s possible. Why not cut out the middle man and offer free food directly to Yelpers while providing handheld devices for instant reviews? Each week a different restaurant could have their fare featured in the cafe.

In a Nutshell will only serve allergens: peanuts, shellfish, gluten-rich foods. I see peanut-sauced shrimp over wheat pasta being a big seller.

In reality, I would like to see an American-style indoor hawker center like Food Republic in Singapore. I've always imagined that if I were an kooky rich person like Michael Jackson I would build my Neverland of chefs flown from all over SE Asia to pretty much accommodate me and guests of my choosing (who might just include a grown Macaulay Culkin). If I were really rich and eccentric I would devote my resources into creating a Stargate-type device that could transport me anywhere on the globe for a meal and then return me safely to my apartment. But minus any aliens or ethnically ambiguous people (him too).

In Other Words: What Do McNuggets and Head Lice Have in Common?

Photo from Wooster Collective

Non-shockingly, the New York Times’s dining editor doesn’t frequent McDonald’s with his kids and claims minimal television watching in his household. But when five-year-old Dexter, a budding mixologist who sleeps with vegetables instead of stuffed animals, starts hearing schoolyard rumors about the Golden Arches, Pete Wells acquiesces and they pay a visit (notably when his wife is out of town because Park Slope moms don’t allow such folly?)

And no, the world didn’t fall apart despite the cooking oil for the fries and McNuggets containing dimethylpolysiloxane, “…used as a lubricant, a dry-cleaning solution, an aquarium sealant, a component of the tiles that let spacecraft plunge through the atmosphere without burning up, a treatment for head lice and the thing that makes Silly Putty elastic.”

In the end, father and son make a tastier, more caloric fried fruit pie at home. (Strangely, I’ve never liked fast food fruit pies or the Hostess versions. My dad was the only one in the family who ever ate them. But now I’m totally dying for a fried pear pie, though I would work caramel in somehow.) And the most memorable part of the experience according to Dexter was the Hot Wheels car that came with the Happy Meal.

As I’ve often said, chains are about more than the food.

Where Aggression is Good

There’s nothing like a New York Times trend piece to make one feel surly and contrarian. Yesterday’s “Brooklyn’s Tide of Chains, Decidedly Local” did the trick for me.

“While New Yorkers have been nervously eyeing the encroaching tide of national chains, fearing the stores will wash away all things small and charming, a different retail species has taken root in this still-gentrifying quarter: the chain that is distinctly, even aggressively, local.”

As a resident of this “still-gentrifying quarter” I feel a renewed vigor in my love of national chains.

Sizzlin'

It goes without saying that Jay Leno is not on in my home during prime time or any time. (I did try to watch about four-minutes-worth last night and caught a predictably non-funny parody of that girl who threw back the baseball her dad caught during a game between unknown teams because I follow sports even less closely than late night talk shows.)

But I wish I had been watching Conan last night because there was a delightful chain restaurant-heavy interview with Megan Fox. She knows an awful lot about Sizzler and had this to say about one of my weaknesses, the Cheddar Bay Biscuit: “The cheese biscuits at Red Lobster. Yes! They deserve applause.”

I’m clapping as I type. I’m also imagining a "Kokomo"-style ode to Cheddar Bay. “That’s where we want to play, way down to Cheddar Bay.” I mean, if Jimmy Buffet can sing about a cheeseburger.

Even one of my favorite Malaysian food experts, Rasa Malaysia, has strayed from her traditional Southeast Asian-focused mission to publish a recipe replicating these soft, cheddary gems.

Photo straight from Red Lobster

T.G.I. Thursday's

Sure, they’re a bunch of cranks but the New York Post is good for some things. You wouldn’t find a feature about the origins of T.G.I. Friday’s in the New York Times’s dining section. Well, you might but it would be annoying and likely to contain words like folderol.

Who knew that there was a whole stable of offshoots based on days of the week?

“Thursday's (a more upscale supper club), Wednesday's (a huge discothéque), Tuesday's (a speakeasy-style bar -- no relation to Ruby Tuesday) and Sunday's (an ice-cream parlor).”

If I were one of those Brooklynites who throws secret dinner parties in my rugged yet airy loft for my friends who just happen to be media elite, I would totally recreate Thursday’s.

Din of a Different Sort

Even as someone who appreciates chains, I do have to side with modern Spanish gastronomy and Food & Wine's Kate Krader in this instance. Plus, who wants to align themselves with bankers, Jack Daniel's Ribs & Shrimp or not?

Feeling Good in the Neighborhood

It's hard to believe but there was a time when I had no idea what an Applebee's was. Portland was a late bloomer that way. I became hip to that fast casual restaurant scene through my teen penpal in Tucson, Seth Bogard, an unusually funny and prolific zine publisher known for Xeroxed missives about Macaulay Culkin, puberty and yes, Applebee's. I was inspired to seek out the nearest location--in Hillsboro as it turned out--and took a photo out front. I wasn't ready to venture inside of that world yet. Now I'm mature enough to handle it.

Completely un-chain-related, but this week I happened to catch Seth on Split Ends, the Style network show that's like Wife Swap for hairdressers. Culture clash, fish out of water, you know the score. It's strange to think of teens now being 29 because that makes me ahem, elderly. It think it's ok as long as I don't start a cougar blog.

Getting My Goat

 It's a fast food bonanza over at Esquire.com. The best. The worst. And sure, lots of usual suspects…does an In-N-Out hater even exist? Lurking on slide 21 of fast food faves is Rick Bayless' pick, Birreria Reyes de Ocotlan in Chicago, illustrated with one of my very own photos. Go goat meat!

Borderline Offensive

I just saw this supposedly controversial Burger King ad for the Texican Whopper while in Madrid (yes, I watch lots of TV on vacation just like in real life, but Rock Star and Ghost Whisperer are learning experiences when en español) and didn't realize is was specifically a Spanish product. I assumed it was a silly American-made commercial. It's not terribly offensive unless I'm missing something, though I've never been the most culturally sensitive person. I'm certainly not alone; read a real Texican's perspective on Guanabee.

I'm not sure about the Texican Whopper but if time had permitted, we would've tried the "gourmet" ciabatta-based McDonald's burger being advertised like crazy (but not so advertised that I can remember the product name). Cheddar and emmental? Nuts.

On the fast food track, I was shocked and excited by the presence of Guatemalan fried chicken chain, Pollo Campero, in Madrid. We planned to stop by after seeing Watchmen (really not my thing but it surely beat Hotel Para Perros) but post-midnight on a Sunday is slim pickings (I still don't get Madrid's reputation for being a night city—bars close at 2am) and the gates were already down. Instead, we opted for Vips, the only nearby eatery still serving, and I ordered a strangely charred yet not fully cooked quesadilla with salsa so mild it verged on tomato puree. That was sort of Texican-inspired, now that I think about it.

I swear we had a chain along the Oregon Coast in the '80s called Vips that had a rabbit mascot. Could it possibly be the same company?

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Order Bloomin' Onions

What was the most brilliant article in today’s New York Times? No, not the one about treating gang violence like an infectious disease nor the creepy piece about parents tracking their children’s grades and attendance in real time.

No, it’s "Déjà Vu Dining," an earnest in-depth review/round-up of suburban chain restaurants by their “in the region” writers. I could’ve written the whole thing myself, and with great pleasure.

I have no idea who these writers are but one can only imagine. The overall Manhattan-centric Times always seems woefully out of touch with reality, and I can’t understand how their bedroom community counterparts appear to be equally removed from the scary dietary habits of regular folks. The article gives the impression was that these restaurants were their first encounters with chains. 

At least that’s what I gathered from statements like, “in the league of the best Italian restaurants” in regard to a Long Island Olive Garden. All that says to me is that the state of Italian cuisine in Massapequa is sad and that independently owned has no correlation to quality despite the common perception.

And only someone who feeds their kids gluten-free chicken nuggets and whole grain French bread pizza would say “my teenage daughter is a fan of spicy food, so she was enthusiastic about a visit to Chili’s in East Haven, Conn.” Or maybe I’m the naïve one because I had no idea that Chili’s was known for piquant flavors (though the chain does exist in heat loving Kuala Lumpur) But compared to an Amy’s burrito, Southwestern eggrolls probably do seem spicy.

I wonder if this is meant to be a nod to recession-fighting tactics. While the rest of the nation is supposedly subsisting on 99-cent frozen dinners and Manwich, tri-state denizens are dallying with stuffed potato skins and chocolate lasagna? If so, I’m all for this cost-saving plan.

Here's a real penny-pincher; make your own 3,148-calorie battered onion treat at home.