Chains of Love

Trimming the Pork

While incidents like the recent bombings over Malay Christians using the word Allah to describe God have challenged Malaysia’s appearance as a moderate Islamic country, there are bigger issues at hand.

Namely, the McDonald’s Chinese zodiac promotion in Singapore omitting the pig toy. Chinese ladies won’t be able to accurately complete the 12-figurine set (a cupid toy has replaced the pig) and that is not right!

For what it’s worth, no Muslims complained; it was a preemptive corporate approach. And oddly misguided since Singapore is more than three-fourths Chinese (76.8%, 13.9% Malay, 7.9% Indian). Singaporean McDonald’s are halal but I don’t know how religious dietary rules apply to non-edible charms.

New Adventures of Old Christine

Yes, yes, Christine is the new Jared, losing a significant amount of weight eating fast food. Specifically, items from Taco Bell’s Fresco menu (essentially regular items minus cheese, sour cream or guacamole) helpfully labeled in small print, “not a low calorie food.”

Not a particularly fresh angle either, anti-Morgan Spurlocks abound. Deshan Woods, who lost weight by eating exclusively at McDonald’s, is just one that I had time to look up. Even the Swedes got into the debunking.

There is no secret to losing weight. Reducing calories and increasing activity are tried and true (spending an hour at the gym, then eating fried chicken will not result in weight loss—I can tell you that first hand).

Almost anyone could lose weight eating fast food daily. 2,000 calories is the number typically used as an ideal for the average woman’s daily intake (2,500 for men). If you wanted to lose a modest but healthy one pound per week you would need to shave 500 calories a day off this number.

For 1,500 calories you could scarf a Whopper (670 calories) and a Cinnabon (730) every single day and lose weight (1,400 total). You probably wouldn’t stay full and would become completely scurvy-ridden and deficient in essential nutrients. So, you could also eat zero and near-zero-calorie roughage like carrots and broccoli and use the remaining 100 calories for an apple (65 calories) or an orange (85 calories).

This is assuming you are completely sedentary. 45-minutes-to-an-hour on an elliptical trainer would probably allow you a small handful of fries (220 calories for BK value menu size, 340 for a small).

Fast food isn’t a particular weakness of mine, though I am proud of my proposed miracle diet. I do like to drink, however. Why blow hundreds of dollars on those silly juice cleanses when you could drop weight fasting on seven martinis a day (roughly 200 calories each)? Everyone knows that cleansing is about getting thin not detoxing or being healthful.

Unrelated: why do people insist on spelling lose as loose?

You Could Already Be a Winner

So, the latest food-based reality show will center on personal chefs. All well and good but I’m still stuck on the tentatively named United Plates of America, a reality show competition focused on chain restaurant concepts.

Sadly, the window of opportunity for the chain I dreamt up in the late ‘90s: Totally Grubbin’ has long passed (a glass half-full blogger would call themselves a pioneer for having 11-year-old posts to refer to; I would use a different word to describe writing barely read nonsense online for over a decade). Now that it’s almost the 2010s I can't imagine there is a swath of America left that would be interested in anything tribal and Xtreme. For the modern consumer I might suggest an Ed Hardy theme restaurant.

Here are a few other concepts ripe for going national.

F.I.Y: fry-it-yourself fun where all tables are equipped with a built-in fryolator Korean barbecue-style. The restaurant provides the raw material and you simply batter and dip away. Does it get any fresher? There will be vegetable tempura for the dainty, fried chicken for the a la minute set, butter balls and Oreos for carnies and 10-patty cheeseburgers for the This is Why You're Fat crowd. Perhaps there will be a menu of batters to choose from. Ranch dip would most certainly be involved.

We must not let the Asians have all the fun. Sure, they’ve already taken the prison and hospital themes, not to mention a mayonnaise restaurant. And you thought eating from a toilet bowl was depraved? Please. Mixologists cover your ears, our bar will be called Douchebag, and yes, all drinks will be served in one. Who cares if the insult has been declared over or that just as with belted sanitary napkins, no one actually knows what a douchebag is anymore. Enemas? Now, that’s a concept for only a select few. I used to know people who would do wine enemas in public restrooms. The idea was to get drunker faster. I am sure there is a target audience for this somewhere in the US and I would love to be the one to introduce the idea on network television.

Gulp! If Rolling Stone can brand dining so can Yelp! and with a $500 million Google deal anything’s possible. Why not cut out the middle man and offer free food directly to Yelpers while providing handheld devices for instant reviews? Each week a different restaurant could have their fare featured in the cafe.

In a Nutshell will only serve allergens: peanuts, shellfish, gluten-rich foods. I see peanut-sauced shrimp over wheat pasta being a big seller.

In reality, I would like to see an American-style indoor hawker center like Food Republic in Singapore. I've always imagined that if I were an kooky rich person like Michael Jackson I would build my Neverland of chefs flown from all over SE Asia to pretty much accommodate me and guests of my choosing (who might just include a grown Macaulay Culkin). If I were really rich and eccentric I would devote my resources into creating a Stargate-type device that could transport me anywhere on the globe for a meal and then return me safely to my apartment. But minus any aliens or ethnically ambiguous people (him too).

Buzzkill

Maybe getting your server’s attention is a common problem in casual dining chains--hence the need for Applebee’s introducing a device to buzz your waiter--but I’ve always found the opposite to be true.

Then again, I’m probably a nightmare for servers because I eat incredibly slow and always throw off the pacing. I’m never ready when they periodically check-in and the entrée always shows up way before I’m done with my starter. I need an anti-buzzer.

However, Jan Higgins, 42, of Deltona, loves the concept. "The idea that we don't have to wait, we don't have to flag somebody down, that's awesome."

Photo: Joe Burbank/Orlando Sentinel

T.G.I. Thursday's

It's as if Thanksgiving is either for marathon kitchen duties or fine dining (even I’m guilty of perpetuating that). Who's to say you can't chain it up on our nation's day of gluttony?

Here is a selection of Thanksgiving options at chain restaurants. This is by no means exhaustive so  please let me know if you are aware of more.

Boston Market

This is kind of a duh Thanksgiving-wise since they sell turkey, gravy and the like year-round. You can eat a limited menu in-store or take advantage of their "Catered Holiday Buffets" starting at $9.99 per person that can also be delivered. Lane Cardwell, CEO of Boston Market says "Our traditional holiday meals help families spend more time making memories with loved ones and less time in the kitchen." The concept of intentionally making memories gives me the creeps.

Cracker Barrel
Starting at 11am on Thanksgiving you’ll be able to eat enjoy oven-baked turkey breast, cornbread dressing, gravy, baked sugar-cured ham, sweet potato casserole with caramel pecan topping, cranberry relish, your choice of a vegetable, biscuits or corn muffins, pumpkin pecan streusel pie and a beverage (excluding milkshakes) for a mere $8.99. Unfortunately, the nearest Cracker Barrel to my zipcode is 47 miles away in Mt. Arlington, New Jersey.

Dallas BBQ
Wouldn’t a Texas-sized blue Hawaii (or even their new Bubbalicious cocktail with a shot of bubble gum vodka) and Hennessy wings be the perfect accompaniment for a turkey dinner? $14.99 will get you roast turkey, chicken vegetable soup, stuffing, baked sweet potato, cornbread, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie at everyone’s favorite cheapo rib joint Dallas BBQ. There appears to be no way to directly link to this special on their website but it is posted on Facebook.

Domino's
No turkey pizza but…they claim they will deliver 1.1. million pizzas in the US on November 26, a 50% increase over usual Wednesdays. "Thanksgiving Eve is one of our busiest days of the year," says Jenny Fouracre, Domino's Pizza spokeswoman.

Popeyes
Despite no hint of its fried nature in the official name, Popeyes’ Cajun-style turkeys have indeed spent some time in bubbling oil (though I don’t think they’re cooked on site). You must place your order five days in advance, but for some reason I have zero faith in the Court St. location nearest me doing this correctly.

Ruby Tuesday
They are keeping it traditional with a $12.99 meal that includes turkey medallions, mashers (a.k.a. mashed potatoes), stuffing, cranberry chutney and snap peas. Not so traditional is their apostrophe usage: "Thanksgiving Feast (Sized Just Right) for the Kid's" You can actually reserve a table at the Times Square location (and others) online. Fancy.

TGI Friday’s
Did someone say half-priced loaded potato skins?. T.G.I. Friday’s will be taking a contrarian approach and encouraging drinking and football over creating family memories. Says John Neitzel, president and chief operating officer, "We invite you to step away from the turkey and up to the bar this year. You'll find half-price appetizers including great new wing flavors, drink specials where they'll let us, back to back football games in HD and that 'Thank God It's Friday's' attitude you won't find anywhere else.”

Thank God that attitude will be confined to 12 confined locations around NYC.

White Castle
Every year I say I’m going to try the slider stuffing recipe and every year I don’t. This year I won’t either but I like knowing that such a creation exists.

Thanksgiving pizza photo from Junk Food Blog.

Feeling Good in More Neighborhoods

 For better or worse, uptown residents can now get their riblets closer to home. The city’s latest Applebee’s recently appeared in the new mall at Bronx Terminal Market and according to this Craigslist ad, the soon-to-open Harlem Applebee’s is hiring.

I’ve been semi-seriously toying with the idea of extricating myself from office work, though I don’t neccessarily see myself as a server, cook, dishwasher, host, bartender or expediter (all available positions). I haven’t worked food service since 1990 when I was a dough maker in a delivery-only Pizza Hut.

Then again, the ad does say, ”experience is a PLUS” not a requirement.

Who Can Eat More Than Two Bowls of Pasta, Anyway?

Times are tough for a chain. Red Robin is only giving kids a two-pack of blue and red crayons now instead of the four they used to provide. Bye bye green and yellow.

And even though I know suburban chains in NYC are often disappointing and expensive, I still paid a visit to the Chelsea Olive Garden Wednesday night. I was curious if they were honoring the Never Ending Pasta Bowl promotion that lasts until the end of this week.

When this Olive Garden first opened, it was packed and waits were long. Now, the handheld beepers are getting cobwebby. No one was waiting out front or in the lobby, we were immediately seated and empty tables abounded. And they were out of everything, the advertised Oktoberfest Sam Adams, the pork marsala in the glossy tableside advertisements. A total sinking ship.

And as on my last NEPB spot check, there is no evidence of the promotion anywhere on site. When you consider that my seafood portofino (which I chose because it was one of the few pastas under 1,000 calories—I’m one of those oddballs whose ordering is influenced by calorie posting) was $20.50—what food at real restaurants cost—why they keep the Never Ending Pasta Bowl under tight wraps is obvious. When we asked about the $8.95 all-you-can-eat special, our cheery but exasperated waitress (the guy sitting directly behind me in the attached booth was giving her and his date a horrible time, total domestic abuser) just handed us her corporate cheat sheet with the list of pastas, sauces and request that servers suggest unlimited meatballs to customers for an additional $1.99. I should’ve snapped a photo—who knows when these trade secrets could come in handy?

In the meantime, I’m curious about the all-you-can-eat-pasta night in the works at Locanda Verde. I suspect it’ll be more than $8.95. Then again, you can get Spaghetti alle Vongole there for $1.50 less than Olive Garden’s seafood pasta.

You Say It's Your Birthday

When I first moved to NYC, I had a plan to eat at a chain restaurant for every holiday. This only lasted for one Christmas Eve at TGI Friday and the following Easter at Olive Garden. My genius has gone unfulfilled ever since.

One thing I never did was celebrate birthdays at a chain (ok, I did have my sixth or seventh at Farrell's along with the son of a family friend who was also born on July 25. His dad's name was Tom Sawyer, which was always kind of weird) of if I attended such a dinner for another, no mention was made to staff and no special songs were sung. 

Now I can witness what I’ve been missing out on. Digital City has compiled a list of videos showcasing birthday songs from six chain restaurants.

Fit For a King

Outback Steakhouse isn’t the only chain getting a revamp. 12,000 Burger King locations worldwide are getting a new look.

It’s up to you to decide if corrugated metal, TV screen menus and flame chandeliers qualify as, “so much more like an upscale restaurant,” as their CEO John Chidsey puts it. Maybe if you’re from Miami, which BK is.

Keep It Like a Secret

It never occurred to me what a fuddy-duddy I am. I don’t think I’ve ever ordered a secret menu item or even know about any. I just take what I’m offered. Even substitutions are a foreign concept to me.

But Mental Floss has a top 10 list of these hidden menu treasures. I’m still trying to figure out if Popeye’s “naked chicken” is skinless or just breading-free. Not that I would eat my pseudo-Cajun chicken without a solid quarter-inch of golden crust.

I can’t help but suspect that all of the customization touted in the comments wouldn’t be accommodated in NYC.